The time is just a bit over midway through 2021 and I have been working on entering a new era of my life. Finally, there has been some free time, with no school and just work, for me to reassess my life in detail and coming to bittersweet conclusions. This includes everything: relationships, school, work, self image/esteem issues, life purposes, and whoever it is I am trying to be as well as who I really am. Most likely I will turn all those subjects into individual posts because I honestly feel the need to communicate but not directly, as in person, and prefer indirect communication at the moment. Maybe what I write will be able to help someone find clarification for themself as well.
My current life situation is contemplating going to graduate school. The issue is whether continuing postsecondary education is worth it or not. This is coupled with the uncertainty of where to live which might become my permanent or at least a long term home. For sure I want to live in a city because I am tired of being the odd one out who is not treated as an equal but as other, a specimen to casually interrogate about how and why I exist. However, all these choices cost money, a lot of money. Graduate school is not cheap and for the career path that I have chosen, which is teetering between being completely obsolete and transforming into a “tech” field, the cost of tuition exceeds future salaries. Yet the master’s level degree is required for certification. Half of me wants to say that choosing a career is something I only say to people so they will leave me alone, and not actually something I need to survive. Trudging onwards is deepening my disdain for academia and I am not happy. I am so goddamn tired! Then the guilt sets in because the work is not necessarily hard by itself. The difficulties emerge because these are things I do not want to do with full gusto. Only a sprinkling of gusto is to be found here, a strong groan completed by a whimper through which escapes another ounce of my lifeforce. May I blame society and not myself? Yesss…
In the back of my mind I still want to be an artist. But that comes with pitfalls just like everything in life. I would never want to be a commissioned artist because I work slow and have found I rebel against even the tiniest sliver of instructions from others for what I consider extremely personal. Something about not being able to take critique very well is in there too – oh, the reasons why I did not excel in art school (a farce anyway and a tirade for another time).
All in all, I have nothing else better to do so I might as well let the bore of debt become neverendingly pervasive and continue the destruction of my once lush locks into tangled silver wires. To add, COVID made some schools drop GRE scores for my intended major(s), so I should take advantage of this now.
Commence the planning of my funeral! My top city choices are:
- NYC: Always and forever my dream. Of course, food related dreams. This would be the place I transform myself into my version of femme fatale.
- Seattle: I will move here just because I love Frasier, just like how I moved to the UK because of Harry Potter. Pluses are seafood, melancholy ocean views, whale watching, rain, cold weather and people, and coffee.
- LA: I am apprehensive about this choice because I always “joke” that if I ever return to California then I will die. A lot of my nightmares are set in California-esque landscapes. Nose bleeds, however, great food.
- Chicago: There are good schools here? My last resort as I have never fantasized about living there, but I will go where funding is offered. Will the food suck?
If I am being real, I will probably only get into 1-2 schools and no dilemma will be found.