TORTETART

2021. Well, another year that I lived through despite me believing being alive is not enjoyable. Life is definitely not in any of my top ten lists.

I am so fucking tired. I did not accomplish anything outside of what I usually accomplish i.e. school. Which is half a lie because I got subpar grades and did not turn in or half assed all of my final projects.

I do not know what to do anymore. I do not have any goals or fantasies to distract me. Even my dreams have become mundane and are centered around normal everyday happenings. What a waste! I could dream of being anywhere and being anyone, being with anyone, but end up having dreams of finding shiny rocks in the ground or choosing between fruits at a grocery store. What a waste. Have I said this before? It is a reoccurring issue that needs to die.

My brain is fucked and all I want to do is listen to sad music and cry in my bed all day until doing so exhausts me.

2022. I might move to Seattle because little pieces of paper blindly pulled from a hat told me to. That is where I am at in life – I am not making decisions, the hat is making decisions.

Anyway, I bought some pastel jeans and am determined for my ass to look delectable in them for this year. Pray for me. Pray to my booty. Adieu.

Do not mind me. Just sneaking in an intense sorrow wallow before the year ends.

I cannot stop crying.

Damn. Who am I?

Not me listening to the same song on repeat from midnight to 4am while crying.

Not me realizing I fucked up the entirety of my twenties never having any courage.

Not me messaging a guy and getting ignored.

Not me contemplating if I am as attractive as I deluded myself into thinking.

Not me ready to quit another university right before graduation.

Not me wanting to drown myself in the shit colored creek.

Not me selling myself short and regressing.

Not me being completely alone and feeling loneliness for the first time in my life.

Not me mentally torturing myself with what could have been with many people.

Not me not sleeping.

Not me not eating.

Not me not thinking.

What have you heard? Because it is not me. It must be someone else.

The time is just a bit over midway through 2021 and I have been working on entering a new era of my life. Finally, there has been some free time, with no school and just work, for me to reassess my life in detail and coming to bittersweet conclusions. This includes everything: relationships, school, work, self image/esteem issues, life purposes, and whoever it is I am trying to be as well as who I really am. Most likely I will turn all those subjects into individual posts because I honestly feel the need to communicate but not directly, as in person, and prefer indirect communication at the moment. Maybe what I write will be able to help someone find clarification for themself as well.

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